Throughout all ages, all over the world, books have been written about love, poetry composed, songs have been sung and jokes have been made. Lectures have been given about love, novels have been published by the thousands. Pastors have been preaching about it in churches for centuries. Magazines are packed with love stories and with hints “how to become better lovers”. Not to forget the movie industry. Love, and/or the lack of love, seems to be the main theme in the theatres. And yet, after all this, love is still a mystery. Statistic shows that the most asked question on Google is: “What is Love?”
If there is anything in life we want, we usually go for it. We either buy it, trade it, beg, borough or steel it. For desperate people, even murder seems to be appropriate to get what they desire.
But with love it is different. Even though everyone desires it, it cannot be forced. After all, what good is love that isn’t freely given?
Love surely is mysterious, because it works on an unusual principle. The more we give, the more we get in return. I have explained this principle in a very simple way to the children I have worked with. I asked each one of them to hold a candle in their hand, and with my burning candle I lit all their candles without loosing any light of mine. But with all the burning candles together, we lit up the whole room. This is how love works. We can give it to others without losing any of it ourselves. In fact, the more we give, the more we receive in return.
This example only explains how love works, but it does not tell us what love is. The dictionary explains that love as a strong liking, a passion, sexual attraction or an emotion. According to this information we could come to the conclusion that love is a mere feeling. But is it really?
Taking a closer look at the word emotion, we find that there are two words combined into one. The “e” stands for ego, to which the word “motion” is added. In other words, the ego gets into motion to create a feeling within us. For example, if somebody treats us disrespectfully, this can trigger our ego into motion and we may create a feeling of being upset, hurt, disappointed, angry etc. Whatever feeling we do experience as a result of mistreatment depends on our individual ego. If someone treats us respectfully or with kindness, this can also trigger our ego into motion and this may create a feeling of warmth, acceptance, closeness etc. The whole process can happen in split seconds.
If we put love into the same category with all the other emotions or feelings, it would mean that we would have to have our ego triggered into motion, each time, by someone’s appropriate behavior, actions or words, to create the feeling of love within us. A lot of people relay on this process to develop the “love” feelings towards another person or even towards themselves. But this is not real love.
Sometimes people think they fall in love instantly, and as quickly as they fall in love, they fall out of love. In reality, they just “loved” the feeling which they have created within themselves as a reaction to someone’s behavior, or as a responds to circumstances which arose at the time. But they did not love the person.
There is a huge difference between liking someone or loving someone. If we want to give reasons for liking someone, we use the word ‘because’.
I like you because you please me, because you have a sense of humor, because you make me feel good, because you are a good cook, because you are good looking, etc. In other words, I like the benefits.
Love is totally different. Love says ‘although’. I love you although you have weaknesses, I love you although you are getting old or sick. I love you although you are stubborn sometimes, although you are needy, etc. Such is the love given to us by God, the only source of love there is.
Unfortunately, the stability of many people’s relationships is not based on that love, but it is merely based on benefits, on the things they like in the other person. If Jesus had promised to come to save us only if we were likable human beings, He would not have left heaven yet.
There is nothing wrong with liking benefits. The more the better, as far as I’m concerned. But the basis of our relationships has to be love, not benefits. Circumstances are bound to change in life, people change, which means that the benefits are bound to change as well. Some benefits may even disappear altogether. What happens to the stability of the relationship when the basis has disappeared?
True love lets us see the need of a person, and it fills us with a strong desire to venture out to meet that need.
That is love in action. This is precisely how Jesus has shown us what real love is. He saw the need of humanity to be saved from sin. How easy it would have been for Him to love us from a distance and skip venturing out to meet our needs. All the benefits we’d have to offer could not have persuaded Him to lower Himself to our level of humanity, but His love, the powerful desire to meet our needs, has made him do the seemingly impossible.
We, as human beings have been granted access to this same power of love.
In America in 1915, studies were done on orphaned infants who were living in 10 different institutions. They were divided into two groups. The children in group #1 got normal attention and love, they were well cared for and kept together in the group. They were touched, cuddled, talked to with eye contact etc. They were given loving attention. Their development turned out to be normal on all levels, physical, mental and emotional.
The children of group #2 were also raised in a physically perfect environment. Superb diet and hospital-type hygiene, but they were isolated and not given love, nor attention or interaction. Their emotional needs were not met. Although all these children were perfectly healthy to begin with, almost every child under the age of two – died. They fell into idiocy, eventually lost consciousness and died. The older children barely survived.
Many years later, to continue their long term studies, the psychologists were still in contact with the children of both groups. All children of group #1 graduated from high school. They became successful in their professions and also in their marriages. The survivors of the group #2 were not able to form normal relationships. Some were found in prisons, some in mental institutions and all of them were mentally retarded to some degree.
The same studies were done in England and other countries with the exact same results.
We say: “Money makes the world go round.” It is not the money. If it wasn’t for love, we wouldn’t even be capable of counting the dollars in our pockets, let alone run a business successfully.
Love is like the breath of life, because the need for love, just like the need for oxygen in human beings never stops, no matter how old we are. Love is life. What do we give our children then if we love them? What do we give our husbands, our wives. What do we give our parents, our friends and neighbors? I dare to say, we are fortunate enough to give them a priceless gift – the gift of life.
After all the knowledge, and also the experience we have with the effects of love, and the effects of lack of love, worldwide, love itself is still a mystery. It is a gift of God to mankind and as such it is Divine. Humanity cannot explain Divinity. So, we will go on yearning for love, writing books about it, songs and poetry, we will go on experiencing love, living from it, and passing it on, forever trying to find out the mystery of it all. But one thing is for sure: We haven’t truly lived if we haven’t truly loved.
Written by Sonja Baumung
